Still so many questions!

J found out she can't complete her tests for the potential donor kidney til July 1st, so that's at least another seven weeks of hanging around. Meanwhile my creatinine is back up to 300. That's not *so* bad I spose, but it's playing on my mind. The liver blood test showed it's gone back down to 275 which is a bit better... eGFR's steady at 15. I keep reading about people who are down at 7 or 8 before they dialyse so I spose I'm ok, but it's still too damn scary.

So if J is able to donate, it'll be mid-August. So now I'm desperately trying to make sure that the house we're buying is all done and dusted by then. Perhaps I should tell the mortgage people that *lol* They'd probably run a mile and refuse to give us the money if I did.

I've been handling it all quite well really lately, just taking it all in my stride. Or so people tell me. But I think, I mean, what else am I supposed to do? Curl up in a ball and wait for it all to happen? Can't let it take over, that'd be rubbish.

But just for the last couple of days, that ball of stress in the back of my throat is creeping back in. That little lump, like the one you get when you think you might cry. If you give it any credence or any kind of voice it makes you talk to high and get all tearful. Mostly I'm keeping a lid on it by not saying anything to anyone, but in my mind I keep having really dire thoughts. Loads of what ifs. What if J can't donate? What if none of the other lovely people who've offered can, or indeed will? What if I need to go on dialysis before I can get a transplant, or worse before I move house? What kind of dialysis would be least traumatic? I just can't imagine having a tube permanently in my stomach, what a nightmare. At least if I can move house first, I could get the work done to have HaemoD at home rather than having to go to LB every day....

And there it is, that little ball. If I let it grow I'll bawl my eyes out. Just keep a lid on it, tell me to pull myself together, this is stupid. I'm in the best possible position for someone in my situation - I'm not on dialysis, I haven't even got any food or drink restrictions, I feel fine most of the time, it's only the occasional BLLLAAAAAAAARGH moment where I freak out about the future, or when I feel sick, or my back hurts, or I can't get out of bed or whatever it is. A quick burst of COME ON usually sorts it.

Like now, actually. I've got work to do.

*gets coffee*

See - I can still have coffee! Things can't be that bad. :-)