Back on the rollercoaster

A lot can happen in a week. :)

Spent last weekend painting and doing up the new house, which was very satisfying.

Monday - finally got around to seeing some relatives and telling them about the liver surgery, which was good. Also collected some furniture, all very productive.

Tuesday I called the liver department to find out why I hadn't been sent any admissions information only to be told that my operation had been cancelled! And when exactly were they going to tell me that, I wonder? When I turned up ready for surgery?? I completely crumpled. Thankfully my boss and team were great at work and I took a couple of days off work the rest of the week to sort things out. Crumpled again on a fantastic mate on the bus that evening but managed to have a pleasant pub evening at the end of it all.

Wednesday I found out the carpets for our new place were being delivered, and fitted on the Friday. Brilliant news! Coupled with all the plumbing/fixing/decorating work it means we can move in this weekend. I also got hold of my private healthcare people through work, who agreed to cover my liver surgery if I went privately so I kicked that off with Kings College Hospital as well. Still hadn't heard any more from the liver dept NHS team. Still freaking out about the fact it's not happening, but happy about the house move.

Thursday Worked as normal (well, ish) and then went to see my liver surgeon. It's the same surgeon, probably at the same hospital too, but I'll be able to get it done next weekend (Saturday 26th) as it's being done privately now. Crazy. I'm glad it's sorted though.

Friday Took the day off to do house and hospital related things. Knackered all day. Can't lift anything heavy which is increasinygly frustrating. Good after-work pint catch-up too, much needed. We also had our first meal in the new house in the evening while building flat pack furniture. :)

And now it's the weekend again. Bought such odd things as curtain rails and sheets and the like. Probably not that healthy to be looking forward to shopping for a washing machine, is it? :) And tomorrow we're MOVING INTO OUR NEW HOUSE! No internet for a week and a half. I'm sure we'll manage though...

So now I'll be going in for surgery while nearly all my friends are at a festival next weekend. I suppose in some ways this has worked out better than we planned - having the surgery privately means I'll probably be in and out more quickly and will certainly receive more direct attention from the surgeon, and I can be here this weekend to do the house move.

Now, best go out and look at lampshades.....

I suddenly felt very under the spotlight at the weekend - I was at an impromptu BBQ/party, when after a bit of food I suddenly felt quite sick. Took myself off to the empty kitchen for a few deep breaths. A friend walked in and asked if I was alright, perfectly nice thing to do, but I immediately withdrew and was just like "yeah, I'm fine", and wouldn't let him even touch me, proper defensive and really unhelpful to myself! Stupid. Don't know why I do it, but can't stop myself.

Sat down for a bit and then let my lovely boy know I was gonna head home cos I felt shitty. He came with me, bless him. Got loads of concerned hugs before I left. Just ended up feeling like I'd made an exhibition of myself. *sigh* How do I reconcile the fact that I do sometimes need people to take account of the fact I'm a bit shit at the moment with the fact I want to be treated normally and not like some broken/delicate thing?

Emotional

Tough day at work. Couldn't really keep my mind on anything for five minutes. Told my bosses what's happening and they were pretty flat really, just telling me to get well n stuff. I know I've got full sick pay so no concerns on that front, which is a huge weight off my mind.

I've been coiled up like a spring all day, without really knowing why.... to be honest I think it's purely because i'm terrified about the liver surgery. What if I end up needing dialysis? I'd have to have a neck line for weeks, and then months at Guys til I could be trained enough to do home haemo, and then they have to fit the kit and all sorts.

And still I somehow feel like such a fraud. I don't feel that ill really.... I get by ok. The liver cyst is an irritation rather than something which is harming me so why am I taking such a risk by having it dealt with? Then on the other hand I can't lie comfortably on that side, I can't fold my arms over it and it's stopping me eating proper sized meals. That's another thing, if I get it removed am I suddenly going to pie out again from suddenly having a much bigger stomach?
Then there's the kidney function - yeah, I'm a bit tired but really, there are plenty of people worse off than me, I'm amazed that I can still get on with things with the numbers they say I have, it can't be that bad, but then again they wouldn't be planning to give me new organs unless I really needed them!

*lol* so many thoughts, some more random than others. And they're not really useful to anyone, either.

Rollercoaster day

Saw the liver people, got surgery on 18th July! This does mean that I can't have PD (cos obviously they're opening up my pertioneum) if I do need to go on dialysis, but that wasn't my plan anyway so I'm not too upset by that.

Then while I was in the surgeon's office, I got a voicemail that our house sale has completed and I could pick up the keys, which I have now done!

Just waiting for my babe to come home and we'll check out our new pad :)

Brains are funny things

Lots going on today. My brain decided to deal with it overnight by giving me some serious anxiety dreams that require very little in the way of interpretation! Dreamt I was driving a car with a bunch of people in it and the steering wheel just came off while I was on a motorway. The rest of the people in the car didn't seem to notice as I struggled to get it under control and stop it. Heh. Hardly subtle from my subconscious!!

I'm glad to note though that in my dream I *did* successfully not crash. ;-) Didn't get much sleep though.

Am really quite stressed out about the rest of the day.

...

Got my appointment with the liver surgeon tomorrow. Really don't know what to do; on the one hand I want it DONE. On the other I don't want to upset the surgeon by moaning too much.... they really have been quite shit though. Will just have to play it by ear I spose.

I've been feeling really shit all week. Cystitis won't go away, doctor's given me another week's worth of antibiotics. Other than that I'm also so fucking tired. Walking home from the station earlier I could barely see *lol* Good thing I didn't go to Glasto, I'd have passed out on the second day.

Pick up the keys for the new house tomorrow as well! :) Quite a day ahead...