Time passes

Tick tock tick tock :)

Just got back from a week's holiday in Devon, living it up with 16 friends in a gorgeous Art Deco villa near Plymouth. Messing about in boats, dressing for dinner and generally having a lovely time.

Check this out for a view just wandering down the road - felt weirdly like being in the Mediterranean...
We had a fantastic couple of days going oyster hunting in the shallow water and generally messing about on boats, even rowing to a recommended local pub and feasting on fish n chips n beer.

Managed to forget about things for a couple of days almost completely, but also had a couple of moping attacks when I couldn't keep up with walkers or had to go to bed early cos I was tired or couldn't finish that last glass of champagne cos I knew I'd feel shitty the following day. 95% great though :D

Back now though, and back to the grind of getting things done and finding out what's happening next. My lovely friend J has been in for a cystoscopy (yowch) and a kidney biopsy, they're definitely being thorough! She's also been to see a psychologist, who now wants to see me as well so we can be checked to make sure I'm not paying her and she's not hero-worshipping me or anything. Which is odd, but fine I spose!

I've got another set of blood tests and follow up appointment this coming Monday, along with an appointment with a surgeon to talk about getting a fistula created in my arm. In a way, I'm quite looking forward to it cos it feels like progress, but in another I'm petrified, cos to be honest I've been pootling along quite happily the last few weeks and upsetting the status quo seems so bloody unnecessary. But then I read things like Big Buzzard's blog, which give me such hope of how I might feel when it's all done. Does feel like rather a lot of pressure. I mean, what if this is just me and I don't feel any different afterwards?! What a waste of time for J if that's the case!

My lovely boy is still being lovely. :) His stoicism is both a blessing and an irritation depending on my mood, but overall I wouldn't change a thing. Now we're both back home we've still got a load of DIY n stuff to get done. Gonna chill today and have a last day's holiday, then tomorrow do some painting n sorting out, I'd say! SO much to do....

Moan

I was just about to go onto a Kidney Patient forum and moan about things, but I got half way through writing the post and it all sounded so bloody bleating that I just deleted it and came here instead. 

I've just had a bad few days, I suppose. I haven't been able to get through a day without finding myself in tears for one reason or another and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier, either. I just don't seem to be able to see a way through everything. In a way, I kinda want things to stay as they are, I mean I'm *ok*, not great but not too ill. I just can't imagine it getting better any time soon. I'm either gonna be dialysing, which will be a pain in the arse (well, the arm), and most people seem to agree that the start of dialysis makes you feel worse rather than better, which doesn't exactly fill me with joy! Or I'll be having a tx operation, which is gonna leave me on more pills than you can shake a stick at, probably make me put loads of weight on and generally be in more of a state, at least temporarily.... I dunno.

Maybe I just need to stop reading that site. Everyone seems to be down about their situation. It could be that I'm only seeing the negatives. 

At least it's not as bad as the US sites, where everyone goes on about having to cope with this terrible disease/affliction bla blah blah.... I can't hack all that woe is me stuff, but there does seem to be some genuine bad shit that happens to people during the course of all this.

It just all feels really rather lonely at present and I don't have anyone to discuss how I feel.  I can only bore my boy with it so much, he puts up with loads, the poor thing. 

Generally feeling a bit sad. :(