Impatient

J and I went to a support group at the weekend for living donors and recipients. It was hosted by this South African couple who had done what we're about to do a year or so ago. There were some striking similarities with my situation (the recipient also had Polycystic Kidney Disease and a sudden drop in kidney function, but had their tx before dialysis was needed), but also some huge differences - donor and recipient both good church going types who don't drink at all and have two children - so we couldn't really ask them much in the way of lifestyle type questions!

The other people there were a family of 3, where the mother has already had two failed cadaver transplants, and now they're planning on getting her husband's kidney - he's the wrong blood group but thanks to plasmapharesis they can "clean" the recipient so that's no longer an issue, medical science is wonderful. I felt so sorry for her - she's clearly so knackered from years of dialysis and was understandably sceptical about how upbeat the group was trying to be about transplants. The nurse leading the group was keen to make sure J and I didn't freak out about how bad this poor lady had had things, but there's no comparison, really.

It was all a bit awkward at first but once we got down to the nitty gritty of questions about scars and so on the questions soon flowed freely. I was ok til the recipient got his medications out. F**k me. It was basically an A4 folder full of little compartments, 2 or 3 for each day, each with 4 or 5 or more pills in. He passed it round but I just couldn't look at it. I'm SO not ready for that bit, just the thought of it makes me really angry. Freaked out a wee bit. I'm sure I'll have to deal with it when the time comes and I'll be ok, but it's just SO not fair. 

Most people think the new kidney is the end of it all, but for me it feels more like the beginning, with all the joy of drug side effects and immunosuppressants to follow - oral thrush, cold sores, hair loss or indeed excess hair growth, getting fat, being "moon faced", constant monitoring for infections like CMV, not to mention the big stuff like more kidney problems or indeed rejection... this could all still be for nothing!! *eep*

We also found out the nurse hosting the group was the one who had set our revised date for December 11th. She told us more about why the extra hearing and eye tests were needed for J, and said the chances of our date not going ahead were "minuscule", which certainly caused us a sharp intake of breath!

At the end of the session Lisa (the nurse) came to check if I was alright and said we could always postpone if we wanted to. As with the last time that possibility was put to me, my immediate reaction was "no", so clearly I know this is the right thing and I'll deal with it fine when it happens, but in the meantime I'm finding it easier to just shut out the detail. 

So very tiring, all this waiting.