Emotional

Tough day at work. Couldn't really keep my mind on anything for five minutes. Told my bosses what's happening and they were pretty flat really, just telling me to get well n stuff. I know I've got full sick pay so no concerns on that front, which is a huge weight off my mind.

I've been coiled up like a spring all day, without really knowing why.... to be honest I think it's purely because i'm terrified about the liver surgery. What if I end up needing dialysis? I'd have to have a neck line for weeks, and then months at Guys til I could be trained enough to do home haemo, and then they have to fit the kit and all sorts.

And still I somehow feel like such a fraud. I don't feel that ill really.... I get by ok. The liver cyst is an irritation rather than something which is harming me so why am I taking such a risk by having it dealt with? Then on the other hand I can't lie comfortably on that side, I can't fold my arms over it and it's stopping me eating proper sized meals. That's another thing, if I get it removed am I suddenly going to pie out again from suddenly having a much bigger stomach?
Then there's the kidney function - yeah, I'm a bit tired but really, there are plenty of people worse off than me, I'm amazed that I can still get on with things with the numbers they say I have, it can't be that bad, but then again they wouldn't be planning to give me new organs unless I really needed them!

*lol* so many thoughts, some more random than others. And they're not really useful to anyone, either.